COP-OUTS.

There's something about cop-outs that can turn your fans against you faster than (insert metaphor). I've decided to put forth the minimal amount of effort required to highlight five of the Biggest Cop-Outs of All Time. 

Significant Others w/ a "Headache"

Women (and men?), if you're going to blame an ailment for your diminished sex drive, try using one that can't be cured by a couple Tylenol. My suggestion; "Not now honey, I'm gassy." I don't know about most guys, but I'd rather sleep with a blow-up doll than a methane-filled mistress.  

Parents

These six meaningless words drive me crazy for two reasons. First, this saying is only pulled out of your parents' argument arsenal for commands you can't stand. "Go to your room!" "Finish your peas!" "Rub Grandma's feet!" Which brings me to my second beef, it's an inarguable justification. The only defense is the "I'm running away" threat, but that standoff either ends in a renewed appreciation for your caretakers or an Amber Alert.

Religious Fundamentalists

The only thing worse than a parent using ONE irrational slogan to end EVERY debate is some prick using a divine being (or beings) as a scapegoat for their shortcomings. "I guess God wanted me to fail that test. After all, I did pray beforehand." If you're reading this outside of the Bible Belt, you probably think I'm exaggerating. As an alumnus of the University of South Carolina, I assure you I'm not. Irresponsible coeds use God(s) to validate everything from bad grades to accidental babies (only works for Mary).  

Matrix Revolutions

NEVER have I been more disappointed in a movie than the third and final installment of the Matrix Trilogy. The Matrix was the first film to teach me the true meaning of "on the edge of your seat." My underage friends and I pulled an Ocean's 11 style caper to see Matrix Reloaded. And from the premier of the teaser trailer to its theatrical release, I begged my dad to take me to see Matrix Revolutions. For what? ANOTHER Christ allegory. If you're going to water down an action movie with religious undertones, don't forget to spike it with the same kick-ass karate we've come to expect from a Matrix movie. 

Me

Sorry, "you people." As the holidays approach, my workload is growing larger than Santa's sack. (The one on his sleigh. (The BACK of his sleigh.)) Trust me, I'd love to craft a procrastination enabling entry of a higher quality, but right now I just don't have that luxury. Unfotunately, this is the best you're going to get until I go on vacation. "Why would you blog on break," you ask? Because I genuinely enjoy this. I hope you do too.