THE 84TH ACADEMY AWARDS.

Don't cry, Golden Guy. There's always next year.

There's something about The 84th Academy Awards that excites me about as much as a family reunion. I mean sure, I'll participate for the sake of tradition, but I'm not exactly excited about it. To see where the 2012 Oscars went wrong, Let's compare it with its predecessor.

THE HOSTS

Anne Hathaway & James Franco vs. Billy Crystal

Yes, Billy Crystal could do a better job than Hathaway and Franko if he were in a coma, but I can't stop looking at him as Eddie Murphy's understudy. He's like the girl you settle for because the one you truly wanted kicked you to the curb and you can't stand the thought of being alone. Again, Crystal will most definitely be funnier than the heartthrobs of 2011, but is the host really THAT important? Call me crazy, but I feel the nominees are what make or break an award show. Which brings me to my next topic...

THE BEST PICTURE

The King's Speech vs. A Silent Film

In my opinion, 2011 was one of the best years for cinema since the day I was born. The average Rotten Tomato score for the 2011 Best Picture Nominees was 93%, with Inception bringing down the mean with a "disappointing" 86%. What's this year's average? 83%, with Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close earning a Best Picture nod after becoming "certified rotten" at 45%. Marky Mark beat that with Contraband (48%)! If it's not Midnight in Paris or Moneyball, I don't care who takes home this year's top honor. Especially with the heartbreaking absence of my favorite production studio...

THE END OF PIXAR'S REIGN

Toy Story 3 vs. ZERO Nominees

I knew there was no way in Hollywood Cars 2 was going to keep Pixar's Best Animated Feature streak alive, but it wasn't even NOMINATED! Last year's Toy Story 3 won Best Animated Feature AND earned a Best Picture nomination. The same goes for Up the year before. Pop Quiz: What was the last Pixar movie that failed to win the Best Animated Feature Oscar? Cars 1 (2006). I've said it once and I'll say it again, this is what happens when you put merchandising before screenwriting.

MY PRICK-ISH PREDICTIONS 

I have plenty of other beefs with the Academy for this year's lackluster ceremonies (No nomination for David Fincher, Too many nominations for The Artist, etc.), but I'll wrap up this post with my Oscar picks. Do with them as you wish.

Best Picture
Who I hope will win: Midnight in Paris
Hilarious. Entertaining. Well-acted. Well-written. What more do you want from a best picture? Any aspiring writer would kill for Gil's experience. 

Who will win: The Artist
The film industry has been gooing over this overrated film all award season. Just give it the highest honors and get off your high horse, Hollywood.  

Actor in a Leading Role
Who I hope will win: Brad Pitt
He and Jonah Hill made this 133 minute move captivating from beginning to end credits. It's about time Pitt wins something other than People's Sexiest Man Alive. 

Who will win: Jean Dujardin 
Clooney has won enough and silent acting seems to receive as much praise as playing a mentally handicapped character.

Actress in a Leading Role
Who I hope will win: Michelle Williams
Although I have yet to see My Week With Marilyn, and feel Ms. Monroe gave birth to the age of the more-ta-tas-than-talent actress, I LOVE Michelle Williams.

Who will win: Glenn Close
Her time has come.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Who I hope will win: Jonah Hill
Hill killed it.

Who will win: Jonah Hill 
I'm going to be balsy and stick to my guns on this one.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Who I hope will win: Melissa McCarthy
I went into this movie wanting to dislike her due to my disdain for overtly-crude females. I found myself anxiously anticipating her every scene. 

Who will win: Bérénice Bejo
For the same reason The Artist will win just about everything. However, I won't deny that she was extremely easy on the eyes. 

Animated Feature Film
Who I hope will win: I don't even care. 
This category is dead to me this year.

Who will win: A Cat In Paris
I like cats and I feel like the Academy is going to go with a throwback this year. Sorry, CGI.  

Cinematography
Who I hope will win: The Tree Of Life
Say what you will about the story, this movie looked gorgeous. 

Who will win: The Tree Of Life
Ditto. 

Art Direction
Who I hope will win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Pt. 2
This movie deserves SOMETHING!

Who will win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Pt. 2
Bringing the wizarding world to real life is no easy task.

Costume Design
Who I hope will & will win: Hugo
It was the most imaginative.

Directing
Who I hope will win: Woody Allen
He brought 1920s Paris to life in that quirky way only he could accomplish.

Who will win: Terrance Malick
The Academy appreciates the avant-garde.

Documentary Feature
Purely A Guess: Hell And Back Again
I haven't seen any of the Documentary Feature Nominees, but this one deals with soldiers. Soldiers are hot right now.

Documentary Short
Purely A Guess: The Tsunami And The Cherry Blossom
Natural disasters are always a strong contender.

Film Editing
Who will win: The Artist
Just cause.

Foreign Language Film
Who will win: Bullhead
Because it's being distributed by The Alamo Drafthouse.

Makeup
Who will win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Pt. 2
Because making Glenn Close look like a man isn't THAT hard of a task.

Music (Original Score)
Who will win: The Artist
Because the music had to carry the film.

Music (Original Song)
Who will win: Man or Muppet
Because there's only one other competitor.

Short Film (Animated)
Purely A Guess: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
Because it looked REALLY hard to make.

Short Film (Live Action)
Purely A Guess: The Shore
Because I grew up by a beach.

Sound Editing
Who will win: Drive
Because that shotgun bang still haunts my dreams.

Sound Mixing
Who will win: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Because it deserves something!

Visual Effects
Who will win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Pt. 2
Because it should have been nominated for more.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Who I hope will win: Moneyball
How badass would it be if Aaron Sorkin won two in a row?

Who will win: The Descendants
Because I've snubbed it thus far. And it was pretty clever.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
Who I hope will win: Midnight In Paris
It perpetuated my pie-in-the-sky dreams of becoming a novelist.

Who will win: Midnight In Paris
Because, "No subject is terrible if the story is true and the prose is clean and honest."



(Note: These votes are subject to change. There are a few movies I still need to see before the ceremonies. However, my views on the hosts, Best Picture nominees and lack of Pixar, will NOT.)

PACKING.

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CHECKPOINTS.

I'm back to bearing it all for you people.

There's something about checkpoints that always make me nervous. I gnaw my fingernails down to the cuticles before a TSA screening (even when Federbear is the most volatile object in my carry on). I pull a three-point turn when I see a sobriety roadblock (even when I'm walking). And just thinking about my annual job review makes me mess myself (not in the good way).

Well, it's time for me to throw on a Depends and break out the baby wipes. The New Year just passed, which means I need to see where I stand with my Birthday Resolutions.

 

Maintain My Blog

STATUS: Ongoing

PROGRESS: Although I kissed my once-a-week oath goodbye during the holidays, I haven't deactivated the URL. That's gotta count for something.

NEXT STEPS: Lay off the Yelping and start delighting the 1 to 5 people who remember this thing exists.

Join the Elites

STATUS: Complete

PROGRESS: I landed one of the mildly sought-after badges just before the New Year, and was awarded the 2012 incarnation after an 8-review saga about my San Francisco vacation. Not to mention my TWO ROTDs. I'd say this one's done and done, except... 

NEXT STEPS: Attend an Elite Event. It's time to overcome my childhood fear of talking to strangers and gain a new life experience.

 Be A Winklevoss

STATUS: Incomplete

PROGRESS: I can indoor row with the best of them, but I can't bring myself to throw on a hoodie and do the real damn thing.

NEXT STEPS: Stop being a pansy and JUST DO IT ALREADY!

  
Expand My Magnet Collection

STATUS: Ongoing

PROGRESS: My former magnets made five new friends as a result of the aforementioned adventure. However, it was to a city I've already conquered twice before.

NEXT STEPS: Land that Manhattan magnet I've been promising myself for four years now.

Get Laid

STATUS: I plead

PROGRESS: the

NEXT STEPS: Fifth (on #5)

Write Something Substantial

STATUS: Ongoing/Incomplete

PROGRESS: I've decided I will forgo a novel for a little while longer and write FOUR contest submittable short stories this year.

NEXT STEPS: Do them; AFTER I read my latest issue of Writer's Digest and find inspiration in the Paris Review Interview Collection my BFF bought me. (The same BFF who will be putting me up in NY?)

Nix the Negativity

STATUS: Ongoing

PROGRESS: I certainly wouldn't say I've mastered The Secret, but I have stopped diagnosing myself with lower back cancer ever since my head-to-toe physical.

NEXT STEPS: Start believing someone is reading this?

  

Marry T-Swift (And so begins the optimism.) 

STATUS: Incomplete

PROGRESS: Exactly where I've left off. She has no idea I exist, and I keep coming up with ideas to change that.

NEXT STEPS: Cross my fingers.

I think it's fair to say I have my hands full for the next eight months (and at the moment). If you think you can help me out with any of the "ongoing" or "incomplete" resolutions, which is essentially all of them, I welcome your suggestions. Until then, I've got some cleaning to do.