APOLOGIES.

There's something about apologies that are meaningless without sincerity. To those of you who were biting your nails and scratching your necks in anticipation of last week's (absent) post, especially those of you who were kind enough to "like" my Facebook page, I SINCERELY apologize. Due to circumstances completely within my control, I consciously decided to postpone my entry for the week of 7/18 until now. What better way is there to show my sorrow than this plea for your sympathy?

You can't stay mad at that.

While we're on the topic, I feel I have some repenting to do for some of the things I've said since beginning these charades. So...

• Mom, I sincerely apologize for accidentally informing you about this blog and for all of its contents. You weren't exactly the audience I had in mind when I decided to populate the web with another unnecessary E-diary. I'm still your little Pookster (just a little cruder). 
• Ke$ha, I sincerely apologize for not making fun of you more often. I promise to step up defaming-your-name game.
• Vladimir Putin, now that you are about to become the leader of one of the world's nuclear powers (again), I sincerely apologize for accusing you of poisoning people. You would NEVER do such a thing, especially to lil' ol' me. Right?
• Justin (my brethren), I sincerely apologize for painting such an accurate portrayal of our relationship.
• Matt, I sincerely apologize for not castrating you after you turned me into the laughing stock of our high school.
• Chairs, I sincerely apologize for swearing off of you so soon. After two pinched nerves and ten swollen toes, I now see that standing all day is just as insane as remaining on my ass for hours on end. Friends?
• Panhandlers, I sincerely apologize for stealing your patented form of self-promoting.
• Spongebob, I sincerely apologize for offhandedly suggesting you are immature. We all know you are wise beyond your years.
• Taylor Swift, I sincerely apologize for the cold feet. I'm just...figuring some things out. I'll be on bended knee before you know it.
• Feder-Bear, I sincerely apologize for saying I bought you as a "ploy to annoy one of my old roommates." I knew damn well why I was buying you and it had nothing to do with him. Get excited for our San Francisco X-Mas, travel buddy.
• Feder-Man, I sincerely apologize for jinxing you at the US Open. Had I written that post AFTER you hoisted the champion's trophy overhead, Djokovic wouldn't have pulled that cross-court winner out of his ass and staged an epic comeback.
• Mark, I sincerely apologize for selling your soul for the sake of a few Facebook "like"s, ESPECIALLY since you're still TWO LIKES SHORT of a unique URL! (Come on, people. I have two more personalized thank yous left in the tank. Who wants em? http://www.facebook.com/pages/Theres-something-about-____________/198638366868635)
• Dad, I sincerely apologize if you feel I'm replacing you with YouTube. No matter how many times YouTube gets me out of a pinch, you will always be my Pa.

So, those of you who were kind enough to add another tally to my Google Analytics, forgive me?

Now do you forgive me? I'll take your silence as a yes.

Is there anything you'd like to SINCERELY apologize for? Let it be known, either here or at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Theres-something-about-____________/198638366868635. (This link would be a lot shorter if I had just TWO MORE "LIKE"RS!)


(Spoiler Alert: I'm probably going to have to postpone the post for this week. DON'T REJECT ME!) 

YOUTUBE.

URL of the Year

There's something about YouTube that's kind of like a dad. From teaching you the ABC's to helping you grasp the birds and the bees, this website is always there to lend some parental advice. I'll never forget the first time my virtual father came to my aid. 

It was my sophomore year of undergrad and I had to give a speech in front of the 50+ coeds in my MGMT 101 class (many of which were hot sorority girls). As if my nerves weren't wracked enough, I had to deliver my classroom address dressed to the nines. Being a life-long heathen and a Myrtle Beach native, the nicest clothes I owned were two-toned golf cleats and a polo. When it came to a suit and tie, I was shit out of luck.

A couple days before the big speech, I perused the sales rack of my local Belk and purchased some inexpensive and ill-fitting business attire. My wardrobe dilemma was solved (aside from the fact that I looked like a little boy wearing daddy's jacket), but one problem remained. What in the hell was I supposed to do with that satin noose? 

For the record, my family isn't THAT "country." My dad wore a suit to work almost everyday, and he even taught me how to tie a Double Windsor when I was a wee-little boy. Unfortunately, I had lost that knowledge about as fast as I broke the D.A.R.E. pledge. 

After failing to remember that childhood lesson and leaving a frantic message on my father's cellphone, I had reached the end of my rope. As I hung the shiny lasso from the ceiling and prepared to kick the chair (slight exaggeration), I had an epiphany. "I'll ask YouTube!"

"How do you tie a tie?" I typed.

"," YouTube responded.

"I love you, YouTube!" I shouted while embracing the screen, my perfectly-knotted tie draping over the keys.

From that moment on, YouTube became my dad away from dad.

"How do I adjust a metal watch band?"

","YouTube responded. 

"How do I check my oil?"

","YouTube responded.

 "How do I know if a girl has an STD?"

","YouTube responded.

Like a dependable parent, Youtube knows the cure for all of life's little nuisances. But its helpfulness isn't limited to step-by-step instructions. You can also count on this comforting website for a frown-flipping smile,

a gut-busting laugh,

and a supportive pat on the back when you make a total ass out of yourself.

By no means am I suggesting that YouTube is superior to an actively-involved parent. I'm just acknowledging the fact that a mother or father can't always be there for you. With wireless internet and the advent of smartphones, YouTube can. 

How has YouTube come through for you?

SELF-PROMOTION.

There's something about self-promotion that's kind of like dining at an all-you-can-eat buffet. There are three crucial rules for engaging in either activity:

1.) Try a little bit of everything - If you keep filling your plate with the same item over and over and over and over again (You've got to make AT LEAST 4 trips), you'll miss out on a lot of tasty opportunities.

2.) Don't let judgment curb your appetite - If you get indigestion from the self-controlled individuals staring you down as you take your third trip to the dessert bar, you don't have the stomach for the spotlight.

3.) Tip the help - If you don't grease the palms of the people who support your gratuitous narcissism, you'll be left with a hot mess and spit in your soda.

Help yourself to my hype buffet:

OKmarkOK's

Attention-Whoring Smörgåsbord

Entrées

These items contain the heftiest portions of Mark. Kudos to those who can consume all three without vomiting profusely. 

• Blogna (If you need the link, you need help) - This spicy cut of Mark O.K. contains his 100% unpasteurized anecdotes and diatribes. Diners will either delight in the playfully-poignant concoctions or purge it from their TweetDeck. Regardless, he's keeping it on the cutting board for at least a year.
• Yelperole (http://okmarkok.yelp.com/) - This goulash of reviews is quickly becoming Mark O.K.'s favorite dish thanks to the encouraging community (Yelpers make the BEST customers), alluring rewards (e.g. ROTD & Elite status) and the freedom to experiment with a variety of recipes.
• Portfolioli (http://markkilliancw.com/) - After two years of refinement at the Creative Circus, this polished dish is ready for consumption. But don't get too accustomed to the current taste. A new take on this plate is currently being thrown around the test kitchen.

Sides
These fixin's are the perfect complement to any of Mark O.K.'s self-indulgent entrées.

• Tweet Medley (http://twitter.com/#!/OKmarkOK) - This quick mixture of impromptu insights and shameless plugs (Yelp, Blog, Pinterest, etc.) has created a seesaw of followers and droppers. (At least the porn stars are loyal.)   
• Facebouche (http://www.facebook.com/OKmarkOK) - This mouthful of Mark has a little bit of everything. (That's what (I wish) she said.) It pairs well with the Tweet Medley, while offering a unique archive of photos for seasoned stalkers.
• LinkedInguine (http://www.linkedin.com/in/okmarkok) - This buttoned-up bite is just a mild version of the Facebouche for diners who don't care for the zest of my personal interests or privacy-protected pictures. 

Dessert
A display case of Mark O.K.'s inspirations.

• Pinterest Pie (http://pinterest.com/okmarkok/) - Remember to save room for some sweet & savory food, home and kitten pics, captioned by the Mark O.K. himself.

What's the cost of all this shameless self-promotion? Aside from the loss of a few friends, a lot of sleep and whatever remained of my dignity, this egocentric binge has been the most life-altering decision I've made since I decided I to put down the Pringles and pick up a pair of dumbbells. At the end of the day this may all blow up in my face, but at least there will be a lot more people there to see it. 

After Dinner Mint 

A new Mark mark to refresh your palate.

Thank you for indulging in OKmarkOK's Attention-Whoring Buffet. We would love to hear about your experience. Please post any questions, criticisms or concerns in the comment section below (or on the new "There's Something About ________" fan page! (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Theres-something-about-____________/198638366868635?sk=wall) "Like" it and I'll love you forever.)

ROGER FEDERER.

There's something about Roger Federer that's like an instruction manual for mastering life. From his career on the tennis courts to his debonair day-to-day life, this man has achieved a level of success that would make John McEnroe break a racket over his knee. Leave it to me to dedicate an entire post to my iconic birth-mate (8/8/##). 

Still seeking a publisher. Any takers?

Introduction

Why am I so infatuated with this guy (God)? It's not because he has single-handedly rewritten the ATP record books. It's not because he defriended Tiger after he put his woods in more holes than a golf course. It's not because he is beloved on almost every continent on the face of the Earth (Antarctic penguins just don't get tennis). It's the fact that he embodies ALL of those qualities. Without an idol like Roger Federer, who knows where I'd be? (Mom's couch?) The following chapters describe the ways in which this tennis legend has altered the course of my existence.

Chapter One: How To Choose A Career

What's that, little guy? You're going to be the greatest tennis player of all times!? Kids say the darndest things.

You know how (public school) guidance counselors used to apathetically advise you to "do what you love" for a living? Well, guess who took that advice to heart? Since the age of eight, this little piece of Switz has been hell-bent on becoming the #1 tennis player in the world. If only I knew how to read and write at that age? Just kidding! I knew how, but the only things I read at eight were potato chip bags and candy wrappers, and the only thing I wrote was "Chips & Candy" on my mom's grocery list. 

Chapter Two: How To Select Your Spouse

What is this, senior prom?

In the same way he resurrected traditional tennis (Sorry, Andy Roddick), Federer has brought chivalry back to holy matrimony. As much as I love the Federer(s), my initial reaction when I saw Mirka was similar to Michael Bluth's when he first met Ann, "Her?" (Arrested Development reference) By no means is Mirka an unattractive lady, but she's no Sports Illustrated swimsuit model either (Kudos, Andy Roddick). Regardless, Roger and Mirka have been together since they met while playing tennis for Switzerland at the Sydney Olympics. They may have let down their country, but they won a soul-mate. (Put that on a movie poster.) Quite a change from the celebrity divorces that keep People Magazine in business. 

 Chapter Three: How To Pick Your Friends

LEFT TO RIGHT: The Rossdales, The SECOND Greatest Tennis Player of All Times, The Devil (Who) Wears Prada 

They say you can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps. So who does Federer fill his friends & family box with when a major rolls around? Oh, you know, just a couple of multi-platinum musicians, the editor of the most influential fashion magazine in the world and his teenage tennis idol. Federer's entourage isn't full of a bunch of worthless lackeys like Turtle and Drama. (Get it? Entourage?) He surrounds himself with the kind of individuals you'd find on the Time 100. (Until that individual uses his "driver" to rough up the turf of a ridiculous number of porn stars and cocktail waitresses.) 

Chapter Four: How To Leave A Legacy
 

 

There's an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to his career accomplishments (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_career_achievements_by_Roger_Federer), so I'm not even going to touch on what he's done for the sport of tennis. This chapter (paragraph) is dedicated to his lesser known contributions to the world. For starters, there's the Roger Federer Foundation, which has provided education and athletic facilities to over 43,000 underprivileged Africans (Redundant?). Then there's the Feder-Bear. Not only does this little guy make a wonderful travel companion (read my previous post), but 100% of the proceeds from this philanthropic plush have gone to UNICEF since Federer was named its Goodwill Ambassador in 2006. And last but not least (to me), he has inspired a 25-year-old manboy to follow his dreams. (And what a great time to pursue the publishing industry!)

Epilogue

Even if he fails to win another major title for the rest of his tennis career (AFTER he triumphs at this year's US Open), I will ALWAYS revere Roger Federer for his contributions to tennis, to the planet and to my wardrobe.

Good luck today, birth-mate! I'll be watching you! (Did that come off a little creepy?)

Feel free to humor me by identifying your blog-worthy idols in the comment section below?