BOWLING.

There's something about bowling that makes me think about more than athlete's foot, cheap beer and the highlight of Steve Buscemi's career (Name that movie). Maybe it's just the Lysol or oil fumes, but when I tippy toe to the foul line I see THE FUTURE. Allow me to explain:

THE BOWLING ALLEY OF LIFE

In case my little diagram wasn't clear enough for you, this metaphor contains three major elements; the ball (your life), its path (your path) and the pins (your regrets). As a bowler (human), your goal is to put your ball (life) on a path (path) that will leave the least amount of pins (regrets) once it's done. 

If I wanted to get REALLY into this metaphor, I could liken the oil pattern to life obstacles and ball weights to existential importance, but I'm pretty sure the three major elements have already earned me a straight jacket. So, before I'm abducted by the local insane asylum, I'll elaborate on the most important part of this analogy, the paths.

PATH 1: STRAIGHT & SAFE

The Path

What's everyone's biggest fear when rolling that sphere down the lane (other than a friend stealing their unsupervised fries)? Ending up in the gutter. And what's the easiest way to ensure that won't happen? Aim straight for the middle. That's where most balls (lives) end up, the middle. And why not, you're less likely to fail, you maintain some dignity and there's even a tiny chance you'll hit every pin. That's fine for those bowlers (humans) with low expectations, but if you're the type who sees each lingering pin as misshapen middle finger, you may want to find another way down the alley. 

The Result

PATH 2: CONSTANTLY SAVED

The Path

Bumpers (parents and/or guardians) are fine if you're celebrating your 8th birthday or suffering from cerebral palsy (or another physically debilitating disability), but no one's going to give you a high five for depending on gutter guards your entire life. Just look at Paris Hilton. Aside from her sex tape, she hasn't made a single significant contribution to our society. She just bounces between DUIs and roles in horrible DVDs (aforementioned sex tape excluded) with her family name protecting her every step of the way. Bowlers like Paris may be immune to the gutter, but their achievements will always be marred by their reliance on bumpers. 

The Result

PATH 3: A LITTLE RISKY

The Path

Have you ever seen a serious bowler use either of the previous approaches? Dumb question; no one besides me and your grandparents watch professional bowling. The answer is no, they don't. They make their ball (life) flirt with the gutter and recover just in time to take out every pin (regret). But this technique isn't for the weak. It requires a kind of control and dedication that most bowlers just weren't born with.  

The Result

So, bowlers, how do you roll?