FIRSTS.

There’s something about firsts that get my heart beating faster than Eastern European house music. First dates, first day of a new job and currently, my first blog post. After a quarter century of spiking my anxiety by trying new things, I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1.) Love Thy Lowered Expectations – Think about a baby’s first words. Whether it’s “Mama” or “Murder,” parents go APE SHIT over their little diaper filler’s first syllables. It doesn’t change as you age. I learned this fun fact at my first waiting job. After giving my inaugural table the worst service they’ve ever had (probably ever will have) in their lives, I uttered the five magic words, “This is my first day.” Just like that, their frustrated scowls transformed into a 50% pity tip. For the next three months, every shift was “my first day.” Point is, don’t be afraid to suck at your first attempt. You’re going to, but no one is going to hold it against you.

2.) Just Do It, Damnit! – This ties into stratagem number one. The longer you contemplate outcomes, the higher you raise your expectations. This epiphany brings me back to my eighth birthday at my aunt’s lake house. I was standing on top of a fifty-foot-tall boat dock thinking about all the ways I would die if I followed my brother’s lead and dove into the lake. I thought of everything from hitting my head on a rock to diving right into the Loch Ness Monster’s gaping mouth. Just as my twisted logic got the best of me and I began to retreat, my brother bear hugged me and lunged us over the edge. No thoughts of death passed through my mind as we plummeted to the depths below. I was too busy just doing it. Thanks, Nike.

3.) Time Heals All Fails – Nowhere is this more apparent than relationships. Think back on your romantic history. Was there ever a time when your first date was your best? HELL NO! And if so, leave the bitch (or bastard). This ties into points 1 and 2. No one expects a first date to be flawless. As a matter of fact, it’s those endearing mishaps that you laugh about on anniversaries. You have to put yourself in those horribly awkward situations in order to learn how to make things less miserable. For example, If you lightheartedly refer to yourself as an alcoholic, only to find out that your date’s dad’s drinking problem tore her family apart and placed her in perpetual psychological therapy, you may want to avoid reminiscing about keg stands and beer pong on your next date (or calling her again). Either way, you won’t know how to improve unless you fail.

So here's to my FIRST blog post. It's all uphill from here.