SITTING.

"Is this seat taken?"

CLICK ME

There's something about sitting that makes you as useless as a "Z" block (see image above). Aside from transportation and defecation, there's really no situation where seated is the optimal position. About three months ago I came across the infographic STANDING to the left of this paragraph. According to this stylized Surgeon General's warning, taking a load off (not to be confused with pinching a loaf off) can really take a toll on your body. When I first made this discovery I thought to myself, "This doesn't apply to me. I exercise for at least thirty minutes a day and subscribe to Men's Health Magazine." Then BAM! Third box down, first sentence:   

"Sitting 6+ hours a day makes you 40% likelier to die within 15 years than someone who sits less than 3. Even if you exercise."

After a quick calculation, I concluded that I spend approx. 70 hours a week on my ass. I immediately spammed my coworkers, sprung out of my wheelie chair and began searching for an object that would raise my laptop to eye level. After commandeering an Ikea side table from one of our meeting rooms, I was one step closer to prolonging my date with death.

I never said it looked cool. That Nick Carter circa 1990s haircut isn't helping our cause, pal.

 My argument for standing may have spawned from those "irrefutable" health approximations, but it strengthened once I got to thinking about all of the other reasons why sitting kinda sucks.

"Mark! Stop playing with yourself!"

Exhibit A: Crime & Punishment

As a romantically mature kindergartner at Myrtle Beach Primary School, I used to chase my female classmates around the jungle gym, lick their arms from wrist to shoulder and claim I just French kissed them. As a result, I would be banished to the corner like the pint-sized deviant to your left while fellow students berated my victims for having "COOTIES!" If I chased kindergarten girls around now, my punishment would be similar except I'd be sitting on a much sorer rectum in the corner of a jail cell after some perpetual inmate named Sodomy Steve demolished my colon. Either way, the punishment is the same. You're forced to sit and think about what you did.

See? ^ Clucker.

Exhibit B: Sitting Is Sad 

What do you do when you're down on your luck and no one seems to give a cluck? (Get it? There's a fowl by Neo's feet, and it couldn't care less about his emotional state. Ahhh, F-U. I thought it was funny.) You sit. You sit there like Keanu, just wallowing in self pity. Have you ever seen someone standing in self pity? NO! Because standing = winning. What do you do once you've discovered the source of your depression? You get off your ass and do something about it. What if you never sat in that steaming pile of sorrow in the first place?   

"Hey George, get a load of my obelisk."

Exhibit C: Sitting Isn't Intimidating

For as awe-inspiring as the Lincoln Memorial may be, imagine if honest Abe was upright, arms crossed and glaring down at you over those chiseled cheek bones. Our slavery ending forefather currently looks like he's about to tweak his foreskin to Washington's Monument. Either that, or the Jefferson Memorial put him in timeout. When my dad used to give me commands like, "Clean up your toys" or "Stop licking stains on the carpet," I didn't actually listen until he propelled himself off the couch and towered over me like a cresting tidal wave. When a man stands, you know he means business.    




Although my chair-free months have been met with spiteful insults, scathing commentary and accusations of attention whoring (and that's just to my face), I will continue ignoring my right-angled critics and remain a stand-up guy (triple meaning).

How you'll feel after a few months of standing. Unfortunately, you'll still look like Mr. "Backstreet's Back" up there.