CRUSHES.

There's something about crushes that can hype you up like a Starbucks Trenta or leave you crashing like hot coffee spilling on your crotch as you approach an intersection. As a man whose head permanently resides in the clouds, I'm no stranger to the these involuntary infatuations. A playful smirk from a personable store clerk can send my imagination running all the way to the altar. Once the fanciful thoughts of two (sometimes three) well-behaved children, a successful writing career and a home overlooking a mist cloaked lake subside, I'm crushed (CRUSHed! I get it now!) upon my the return to the real world.

But similar to a morning cup of coffee, a bittersweet daydream can awaken dormant aspirations and put some pep back into your step. The following crushes are what keep me trucking.

Raise your hand if you saw this coming.

THE CELEBRITY CRUSH

Like a cup of decaf, this variety of crush resembles the real deal, minus the debilitating crash of genuine rejection. As much as I go on about Taylor Swift (and anyone who knows me knows how much I go on about T-Swift), I am well aware that this will NEVER happen (most likely). Does it bother me when she's linked to celebrities like Jake Gyllenhole and Johnny Mayhem? No(t really). But does it put a smile on my face to imagine a fairy-tale scenario where we meet on the set of a commercial I've written for her and she whisks me away from the advertising industry to begin our holy matrimony? Ask me what I'm thinking about the next time you see me pulling a pudding face (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyKhP6x0tXE) and I'll let you know.

Roger Federer was a close 2nd.

THE MAN CRUSH

Like a Mocha Raspberry Soy Frappuccino, society suggests that straight men should steer clear of this queer (as in peculiar) blend of reverence and adoration. However, a Man Crush is as natural and nonsexual as admiration for your father (Unless you're into dudes. Then it's probably just a crush.) Growing up in Myrtle Beach, SC, there was a shortage of hometown heroes (unless you're inspired by Vanna White). Then came a satirical pundit by the name of Rev. Sir. Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., who used his coastal South Carolina upbringing to insurrect the Republican Party and inspire me to pursue a life outside of my home state's pie-shaped boarder. Do I want to roll around in the sack with this man? No. But, would I like to roll around in a golf cart with him for 18 holes as he offers me wisdom and whiskey? More than a one-night stand with Ms. Swift. (Two-night stand? Tough call.)

If I told you, I'd have to kill me.

THE TRUE CRUSH

Like shotgunning a Four Loko and smashing the empty can against your noggin, this kind of crush can seriously F-U UP! One second you're Parkouring down the street over an out-of-the-blue text message from your sacred seductress, and the next you're wondering why she took 3 minutes and 58 seconds to respond to your response. A True Crush is the ultimate assessment of emotional maturity. Like Spongebob during a boating exam (See? Maturity.), I crash and burn every time I attempt this test of romantic temperance. Should I quit? NEVER! One, because I honestly have no control over the development of these subliminal obsessions. And two, the sense of optimism I experience during these bouts of passion are far more pungent than the crushing hangover that occurs once I realize it wasn't meant to be.

Like pimples and unprovoked erections, crushes are just one of those unfortunate things we have to overcome on our personal journeys to self-actualization. If you care to share a tactic, anecdote or insult on the topic of "Crush Management," feel free to leave it in the comment section below. Otherwise, I'll be crushed. (ZING!)

That's what I get for wearing camo-cargo shorts (and such shitty photoshopping).