IMMORTALITY.

There's something about immortality that will forever fascinate me. THINK ABOUT IT! Cancer. Cash. Catastrophes. They all become irrelevant when time becomes infinite. I could finally say hasta la vista to my rampant hypochondria. Sallie Mae could suck my spare change. And whenever a natural disaster decides to rear its fatal head, I’d throw on a kilt and show it mine, Braveheart style.

Check out this cane, hurricane!

Like all things that fascinate me (i.e. kittens and Taylor Swift), I spend a lot of my downtime fantasizing about what life would be like if I actually had them. As far as immortality is concerned, I've thought of several ways to obtain this illusive lifespan.

1.) LIVE ON THROUGH MY LINEAGE 

It may not be the sexiest option, but it sure is the simplest (providing I’m not sterile). I finally get why Asians and the English are so obsessed with bloodlines. As long as a trace of your DNA is coursing through your relatives’ veins, you’re kind of alive. What’s the downside? Given enough time, your double helix will probably be tainted by one of your great-great-disappointments. Although this is the first method I’ve mentioned, it’s certainly not my first choice. Moving on.    

Great Grandpa Conrad would be so proud.

2.) DO SOMETHING AWESOME!
 
If only immortalizing your name were that easy. Dying for mankind’s sins is already taken (Dammit, Hey-Zeus). I'd rather die than live in the White House (Seriously, what kind of masochist wants to be president?). And I hardly think someone who still owns a flip phone will be changing the face of technology (RIP, Steve). The only awesome thing I could POSSIBLY see myself doing is some kind of memorable writing. But let’s face it, I had to sells my soul for 25 Facebook followers. The chances of me joining the ranks of Hemingway or JK Rowling are right there with the odds of America's youth choosing literacy over TV. (That's right. I put Harry Potter and Hemingway on the same plane. Wanna fight about it?) On to the next one.

Chill, dawg. I got this!

 3.) FIND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

Transitioning from the realistic to fictitious, this approach to permanent existence seems more likely to kill you than grant you eternal life. I’m not exactly what you’d call a, “Man’s Man.” My idea of getting in touch with nature is watching Planet Earth. Reading Yelp reviews is the closest I’ve ever come to hunting down my own dinner. And I’ll voluntarily sleep in a tent the same day every snake in the world slithers back to Hell. Unless someone is willing to bring me the everlasting serum like a server (What do you even tip on immortality?), I’ll just have to enjoy my remaining years in the comfort of civilized society. Which is exactly where you’ll find my next plan.

Paris?

 4.) GET A SUCK JOB FROM DRACULA
 
My biggest hang up with this method is bloodsucker uncertainty. Before presenting my jugular to some pointy-teeth freak, I need to know what kind of crowd I’ll be running with. Will I become one of those lame, luminescent vampires from Twilight? (I’ll drive the wooden steak into my own heart.) Am I going to be a Louisiana hick like those True Blood tools? (Who wants to watch the sun rise?) Or will I be one of those worldly, wise vampires who use their unlimited time to consume as much knowledge as they do hemoglobin? Something like Tom Cruise's character in Interview With A Vampire, or Stephen Dorff's in Blade. Better yet, what about Blade himself? If those are my outcomes, I'm willing to put my neck on the line. If not, I’m going to have to go with my next attempt.

One punch! Two Punch! One-Two Punch! Ah, ah, ah!

 5.) F**K WITH PHYSICS

This last technique is probably the riskiest, but potentially the most rewarding. The easy part is wandering into an “Intrinsic Field Subtractor” like Dr. Jonathan Osterman (later known as Dr. Manhattan) from the Watchmen. The challenge would be reassembling myself into a physical form once every fiber of my being has been blown to smithereens. As the son of a teacher and a therapist, NOT a watchmaker, I’d probably end up looking more like a Rorschach Test than the Blue Man Group's personal trainer. Sure, I may lose touch with humanity, but most people who know me would suggest I already have. Why not finish the job by becoming a god?

Dr. Markhattan

Now, I know what you’re going to say. “Won’t it be depressing to constantly watch your loved ones die?” “Won’t you get lonely?” “Don’t you know the easiest path to eternal life is through Christ?” I can answer each of those questions with one word, “No.” If you’d like to convince me otherwise you are more than welcome to leave an endless argument in the comment section, or on my Facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/theressomethingabout. (See? Soul already sold.)