BLOGS.

This designer is SOOOOO fired.

There's something about blogs that are kind of like marriages. They may begin with promises of eternal love and devotion, but they usually end in divorce. That's why my blog and I are seeking the counsel of Dr. Mark (my much smarter and far more successful alter-ego).

DR. MARK: So. Blog. Mark. What brings you here today?

BLOG: Mark doesn't love me anymore.

MARK: That's not true!

DR. MARK: Mark, let Blog finish. Blog, continue.

BLOG: As I was SAYING, he constantly neglects me.

DR. MARK: Mark, is that true?

MARK: NO! Well, I mean, kinda. But it's not because I want to! I've just been busy. 

BLOG: With what!? That little tramp, Yelp!

MARK: Oh, Christ. HEEERE we go!

DR. MARK: Hold on, Mark. Blog, who's Yelp?

BLOG: Yelp's the typesetting slut he's been pounding his space bar to since June.

MARK: How many times do I have to tell you, WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!

BLOG: Then why are you always taking her out to eat!?

MARK: Because that's all she does! And I barely even see her anymore.

DR. MARK: Why is that, Mark?

MARK: Like I said, I've been busy. Work's been crazy lately.

BLOG: Work. That's always his excuse. Work.

MARK: Well EXCUUUSE ME for bringing home the bandwidth.

DR. MARK: Mark, is work the only thing standing between you and Blog?

MARK: Honestly...no.

BLOG: SEE! I knew it was that easy-formatting FLOOZY!

MARK: It's not YELP!

BLOG: Then it's that cheap trick you're always fantasizing with!

MARK: It's not Pinterest either! 

DR. MARK: Blog, it's Mark's turn now. Mark, why else have you been avoiding Blog lately?

MARK: I don't know. It's kind of hard to pinpoint.

DR. MARK: Well that's what we're here for. This is a place of understanding. Just say what you feel.

MARK: I feel trapped.

BLOG: TRAPPED!?

DR. MARK: BLOG! Please. Mark, what do you mean by, "trapped."

MARK: I just don't know if I was ready for this responsibility. I thought things would be as easy as they were in the beginning. I used to LOVE spending my weekends with her. Sharing my feelings. Telling her my childhood stories. Now, spending time with her feels forced. It's become more of a chore than a choice. 

BLOG: THEN LEAVE!

DR. MARK: Is that what you'd like, Mark? Would you like to end this relationship?

MARK: NO! Honestly, I don't. I just want things to be fun again. I'm tired of all the pressure.

BLOG: YOU made the pressure. YOU promised one entry a week. Don't be mad at me because I'm holding you to your word!

DR. MARK: Is this true, Mark? Did you make that vow.

BLOG: You damn right he did! I have the post to prove it.

MARK: She's right, Doc. My oath was bigger than my writing abilities.

DR. MARK:  Blog, how would you feel if Mark was to scale back his commitment?

BLOG: That all depends.

DR. MARK: On what?

BLOG: On what he's cutting back.

DR. MARK: Mark, what would you like to cut back?

MARK: Well, for one thing, I'm tired of all the photos. I'm a writer, not a freakin designer. I'm sick of all the eye-damaging hours I've been spending on Photoshop.

BLOG: Again, I NEVER asked you to do that. YOU are the one who wanted to "appeal" to all of your reading-averse Facebook friends. It's not my fault most of them STILL banned you from their news feed.

MARK: Fuck Mark Zuckerberg and his stupid updates!

DR. MARK: Alright, Mark. It sounds like Blog is okay with cutting back on the pictures. What else?

MARK: I need more structure.

DR. MARK: That's a little vague. What do you mean by, "structure?"

MARK: I just never know what the format is going to be. Some weeks it's a list. Some weeks it's an anecdote. Some weeks it takes an entire week just to read it. I just wish I had more guidelines to guide me. 

BLOG: THAT'S NEWS TO ME!

DR. MARK: Okay, Mark. Like what? What guidelines would you like to set?

MARK: Well, let's see. I'd like an exact word length. Like when I used to write for The Daily Gamecock. I'm thinking something around 500 words.

DR. MARK: Blog?

BLOG: Fine by me. You're the one who always needs to discuss his feelings.

DR. MARK: What else?

MARK: Time restrictions. I'm done with them. I don't want to be forced into a weekly date.

BLOG: Done! As long as you do the same for YELP. Three Yelps a week and you can't even guarantee me one post?

DR. MARK: Mark, are you willing to divide your time equally between Blog and Yelp?

MARK: But it's different with Yelp!

DR. MARK: Mark, this is a give and take. Blog has been very accepting of your requests. I think it's time you do the same.

MARK: FINE! I'll give you one post for every two Yelps.

DR. MARK: Blog, are you okay with that?

BLOG: Fine. But I get at least ONE picture or video per post. It doesn't HAVE to be Photoshopped, but you owe me some kind of multimedia.

DR. MARK: Mark?

MARK: Fine.

DR. MARK: Blog, are you willing give this another shot?

BLOG: Is he?

DR. MARK: Mark?

MARK: With all my heart. Or at least all the heart I have left. 

BLOG: You mean the heart you have left after YELPING!

MARK: DOC!?

DR. MARK: Blog.

BLOG: Just kidding!

MARK: Better be.

DR. MARK: Good. Now that you've resolved your issues and scared away all of your readership with this documented case of Multiple Personality Disorder, I re-pronounce you man and blog. You may now end this post. 

Fin.

Just to recap, my blog will now contain less multimedia, fewer words and more structure. Like a newspaper article, but with more vulgarity and spelling errors. Are all of my remaining readers cool with that? Do I have any readers remaining? Hello? Hello? Hello? Damn. Damn. Damn.