CHECKPOINTS.

I'm back to bearing it all for you people.

There's something about checkpoints that always make me nervous. I gnaw my fingernails down to the cuticles before a TSA screening (even when Federbear is the most volatile object in my carry on). I pull a three-point turn when I see a sobriety roadblock (even when I'm walking). And just thinking about my annual job review makes me mess myself (not in the good way).

Well, it's time for me to throw on a Depends and break out the baby wipes. The New Year just passed, which means I need to see where I stand with my Birthday Resolutions.

 

Maintain My Blog

STATUS: Ongoing

PROGRESS: Although I kissed my once-a-week oath goodbye during the holidays, I haven't deactivated the URL. That's gotta count for something.

NEXT STEPS: Lay off the Yelping and start delighting the 1 to 5 people who remember this thing exists.

Join the Elites

STATUS: Complete

PROGRESS: I landed one of the mildly sought-after badges just before the New Year, and was awarded the 2012 incarnation after an 8-review saga about my San Francisco vacation. Not to mention my TWO ROTDs. I'd say this one's done and done, except... 

NEXT STEPS: Attend an Elite Event. It's time to overcome my childhood fear of talking to strangers and gain a new life experience.

 Be A Winklevoss

STATUS: Incomplete

PROGRESS: I can indoor row with the best of them, but I can't bring myself to throw on a hoodie and do the real damn thing.

NEXT STEPS: Stop being a pansy and JUST DO IT ALREADY!

  
Expand My Magnet Collection

STATUS: Ongoing

PROGRESS: My former magnets made five new friends as a result of the aforementioned adventure. However, it was to a city I've already conquered twice before.

NEXT STEPS: Land that Manhattan magnet I've been promising myself for four years now.

Get Laid

STATUS: I plead

PROGRESS: the

NEXT STEPS: Fifth (on #5)

Write Something Substantial

STATUS: Ongoing/Incomplete

PROGRESS: I've decided I will forgo a novel for a little while longer and write FOUR contest submittable short stories this year.

NEXT STEPS: Do them; AFTER I read my latest issue of Writer's Digest and find inspiration in the Paris Review Interview Collection my BFF bought me. (The same BFF who will be putting me up in NY?)

Nix the Negativity

STATUS: Ongoing

PROGRESS: I certainly wouldn't say I've mastered The Secret, but I have stopped diagnosing myself with lower back cancer ever since my head-to-toe physical.

NEXT STEPS: Start believing someone is reading this?

  

Marry T-Swift (And so begins the optimism.) 

STATUS: Incomplete

PROGRESS: Exactly where I've left off. She has no idea I exist, and I keep coming up with ideas to change that.

NEXT STEPS: Cross my fingers.

I think it's fair to say I have my hands full for the next eight months (and at the moment). If you think you can help me out with any of the "ongoing" or "incomplete" resolutions, which is essentially all of them, I welcome your suggestions. Until then, I've got some cleaning to do.