SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS.

"I used to drive a Ferrari and date a SUPER hot brunette. Now I'm married to Carrie Bradshaw and plug Honda CRVs. #FML"

There's something about Super Bowl commercials that reminds me of defusing a bomb. In a matter of seconds, you can become a hero or have the whole thing blow up in your face. Although I've yet to get my wire cutters around one of these big-budget assignments, I'm going to weigh in on the bombs and saviors of Super Bowl XLVI.

THE BOMBS 

1.) Go(ToHell)Daddy.com - The Cloud

In the same way musicians like Miley Cyrus diminish the integrity of the music industry, these soft-core pornmercials completely degrade what I do for a living. Their blatant exploitation of the [celebrity+partial nudity] formula has always ground my gears, but this year they upped the anger ante by throwing a QR code on the bottom-lefthand corner of the spot. God help us if they discover the power of toilet humor.

2.) H&M - The Full Beckham

As if football weren't full of enough suppressed homosexuality, H&M decided to make things even more awkward for homophobic sports fans by throwing a fútboller's crotch in their face for thirty seconds. If I wanted to see Beckham's balls, I'd find his televised physical from a few years ago. The most creative thing about this ad is Beckham's oriental tattoo. And yet, somehow, this complete waste of money managed to get over 2,000,000 views on YouTube? Way to go, sexually frustrated housewives.

3.) Any Movie Trailer - Especially This One

There's a time and a place for movie trailers. It's called the movies. Well, that or the internet. Either way, the Super Bowl is a ridiculously wasteful place to promote a summer blockbuster. First, it's a SUMMER blockbuster. Even if you've got some fanboy creaming in his sweatpants over The Avengers, they still have to wait until May to actually see it. Did Warner Brothers buy any ad time for The Dark Knight Rises? No. But will it still gross more than any movie advertised during the most expensive media buy of the year? No doubt. Especially the piece of trash above. "In the immortal words of Jay-Z?" Really? That's the line you're going to use to hook potential viewers? Not even John McClain can make me want to see the G.I. Joe sequel. 

Dishonorable Mentions

• Century 21 - "Smarter. Bolder. Faster"
• Horrible acting and celebrity endorsements
• Bud Light - "LMAFO Halftime"
• The most unbelievable plot since G.I. Joe: Retaliation
• The Voice - "Vocal Kombat"
• 1.) They VERY POORLY parodied my favorite movie. 2.) Hasn't the Betty White craze passed already, AGAIN!?

THE SAVIORS

1.) Cars.com - Confident You

At first glance I thought I was going to hate this spot. I can't stand commercials that are weird for the sake of being weird. But instead of closing the browser, I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt. Man, am I glad I did. This ad is a testament to great casting. The actor's juxtaposing performances of a stoic car buyer and his oddly-conjoined confidence couldn't have been executed better by Daniel Day-Lewis. As someone with a HORRIBLE poker face, I could easily relate to the man struggling to hide his happiness. And if you've read some of my previous posts, you already know about my soft spot for soul music. However, the real finishing move was the appendage's pelvic thrust just before the art card. Kudos to Cars.com for realizing that simplicity is key during these crowded commercial breaks.

2.) Chrysler - Halftime In America

If there's one thing I've learned since entering the ADHD world of advertising, it's that sentimental ads are almost always doomed from the start. Take Toyota's Kentucky spot for example. (The one without the time traveling baby). This sappy tale of a Camry manufacturer moved nothing more than my bowels, but when Dirty Harry walked down that dimly-lit hallway everyone in the living room froze like a Zach Morris "time out." Granted, at least half of the credit is due to Clint's captivating vocal cords, but there's definitely something to be said for that appropriately-timed metaphor. Props to the copywriter and media buyer who collaborated on that one. You almost had me believing our country wasn't on the brink of destruction. Then I saw the making of the GoDaddy "Body Paint" commercial.

3.) Old Milwaukee - Whatever Will Wants

Will Ferrel is the comedian of the future. Why? Because instead of pulling a Seinfeld or a Leno and staring in a big budget (but barely laughable) Acura commercial, Ferrel took a $1,500 North Platte, Nebraska media buy and turned it into a YouTube sensation. Although it's over a week after the big game, some of my late-adapter Facebook friends are STILL spreading this video around the Intertube. How many times has one of them shared the Budweiser "End of Prohibition" ad or ANY of those horrible, Tom Haverford inspired Bud Light Platinum commercials? About as many times as I intend to host a website through GoDaddy.com, buy underwear from H&M or see G.I. Joe: Retaliation. 

Honorable Mentions

• Toyota Camry - "It's Reinvented"
• They had me until baby time machine. 
• Chevy - "2012"
• Did they have to say, "Ford?" I think we all know what they were insinuating by, "Dave didn't drive the longest-lasting, most dependable truck on the road." Please don't insult my intelligence, Chevy.
• M&M - "Sexy & I Know It"
• What can I say? I love the M&M mascots. Especially the wiggle at the end.

Care to argue any of my picks? That's what the comment section is for.