APOLOGIES.

There's something about apologies that are meaningless without sincerity. To those of you who were biting your nails and scratching your necks in anticipation of last week's (absent) post, especially those of you who were kind enough to "like" my Facebook page, I SINCERELY apologize. Due to circumstances completely within my control, I consciously decided to postpone my entry for the week of 7/18 until now. What better way is there to show my sorrow than this plea for your sympathy?

You can't stay mad at that.

While we're on the topic, I feel I have some repenting to do for some of the things I've said since beginning these charades. So...

• Mom, I sincerely apologize for accidentally informing you about this blog and for all of its contents. You weren't exactly the audience I had in mind when I decided to populate the web with another unnecessary E-diary. I'm still your little Pookster (just a little cruder). 
• Ke$ha, I sincerely apologize for not making fun of you more often. I promise to step up defaming-your-name game.
• Vladimir Putin, now that you are about to become the leader of one of the world's nuclear powers (again), I sincerely apologize for accusing you of poisoning people. You would NEVER do such a thing, especially to lil' ol' me. Right?
• Justin (my brethren), I sincerely apologize for painting such an accurate portrayal of our relationship.
• Matt, I sincerely apologize for not castrating you after you turned me into the laughing stock of our high school.
• Chairs, I sincerely apologize for swearing off of you so soon. After two pinched nerves and ten swollen toes, I now see that standing all day is just as insane as remaining on my ass for hours on end. Friends?
• Panhandlers, I sincerely apologize for stealing your patented form of self-promoting.
• Spongebob, I sincerely apologize for offhandedly suggesting you are immature. We all know you are wise beyond your years.
• Taylor Swift, I sincerely apologize for the cold feet. I'm just...figuring some things out. I'll be on bended knee before you know it.
• Feder-Bear, I sincerely apologize for saying I bought you as a "ploy to annoy one of my old roommates." I knew damn well why I was buying you and it had nothing to do with him. Get excited for our San Francisco X-Mas, travel buddy.
• Feder-Man, I sincerely apologize for jinxing you at the US Open. Had I written that post AFTER you hoisted the champion's trophy overhead, Djokovic wouldn't have pulled that cross-court winner out of his ass and staged an epic comeback.
• Mark, I sincerely apologize for selling your soul for the sake of a few Facebook "like"s, ESPECIALLY since you're still TWO LIKES SHORT of a unique URL! (Come on, people. I have two more personalized thank yous left in the tank. Who wants em? http://www.facebook.com/pages/Theres-something-about-____________/198638366868635)
• Dad, I sincerely apologize if you feel I'm replacing you with YouTube. No matter how many times YouTube gets me out of a pinch, you will always be my Pa.

So, those of you who were kind enough to add another tally to my Google Analytics, forgive me?

Now do you forgive me? I'll take your silence as a yes.

Is there anything you'd like to SINCERELY apologize for? Let it be known, either here or at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Theres-something-about-____________/198638366868635. (This link would be a lot shorter if I had just TWO MORE "LIKE"RS!)


(Spoiler Alert: I'm probably going to have to postpone the post for this week. DON'T REJECT ME!)